I realize it has been ages since I wrote my last post, but I must blame it on the awesomeness and chaos of life!
To start, I was able to test out of my last two college courses (U.S. History I and II) and complete all my coursework!!! Can you say "It's been a loooooong journey"????? After roughly five years of fluctuating between attending school part time and full time, working a few different jobs and being incredibly broke though all of it, I am happy to stand just a few student-teaching-filled months away from finally graduating. Whoop whoop!
This is hardly the most difficult thing I've done in my life though. I'm embarrassed to say I have been seriously lacking in the conquering my fears department these last 24 years. I must admit being born was a very courageous thing to do though. ( Go me!)
Since they say a life unexamined is not worth living, I figured I couldn't let this major event go unrecorded. So here goes the story of fighting a paralyzing fear of water and signing up for swim lessons.
"Gabriela, you MUST learn to swim."
These words from Nick's opa could easily have ended up in my "I should but probably won't" list of ideas to try. While I have always been intrigued by water and enjoyed the feeling of going into a cool lake on a hot summer day, swimming was just not something I thought I could do. Summer after summer I told myself I would get serious about learning to swim and year after year I failed to even begin.
Perhaps it was the bluntness with which Nick's opa suggested ( read: strongly suggested) I learn how to swim or maybe it was knowing that the summer before student teaching was a good time to do it, I decided to take action and sign up for classes.
Armed with my ill-fitting goggles I marched to my local gym and met my instructor at 6:45AM on a Tuesday morning. Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I love my sleep and giving up my usual 9 hour slumber is not something I normally do. But I was committed.
As usual I tried to keep my expectations low so as to not put too much pressure on myself. The instructor began by having me do a variety of exercises to get accustomed to the water on my face and every one of them was so beyond my comfort zone I honestly wouldn't have done them if I didn't have so many people holding me accountable. As the people pleaser that I am I certainly didn't want to let anyone down so I pushed through.
Each new exercise pulled me out of my comfort zone and into the scary place of not being in control. Going under water, allowing my body to float, touching the bottom of the pool and jumping into the shallow end were all so incredibly difficult for me it would take me many gut wrenching minutes to finally try it. While my fears were not in any way based on reality, they were crippling and painful. Every time the instructor asked me to complete a new task (retrieve an object from the bottom of the pool, etc...) my body would immediately go into total panic and I would shake uncontrollably, which would often last for many hours after each lesson.
As my third lesson was ending, my instructor asked me to try to swim across the shallow end of the pool. He made it clear that I could always stand up half-way and begin again if needed. He also gave me the option of wearing my trusted bubble. I figured I had nothing to lose at this point since I was already in panic mode so I left the bubble behind and allowed myself to float and quickly began to kick and make my way to the other side. It took me a few seconds to realize I was swimming without a floatation device and only a few seconds more to reach the other side. The smile on my instructor's face and the affirming applause from the lifeguard who had witnessed my many attempts at beating this paralyzing fear of water made this feat even more real and gratifying.
Ahhhhh the joy of letting go. I'm not sure if this is unique to me but I often find myself so comfortable with my fears that I'm hesitant to let them go. (No, Lord! I like my fear! It's actually quite cozy!). I often take for granted the fact that the way something is now is how it will always be, but am always pleasantly surprised by the possibilities God presents me with. What a good father we have, guys! And while my task is far from complete and I'm committed to improving as a swimmer, I have already learned so many lessons.
I have learned that my crippling fear of falling keeps me from trying so many things! From allowing my body to float to fun activities such as skating or pursuing new adventures, such as new job opportunity, I am great at doing what is right in front of me, but often hesitant to try things I may fail at.
I have learned that fear is often completely divorced from reality. While jumping into a shallow pool will likely not bring me to my deathbed, my fears told me it would.
I have learned that the way my body feels, whether it is shaking uncontrollably or urging me to do something my mind would rather not do, is not always the best indicator of what action to take.
Finally, I have learned that sometimes it is better not to fight nature. I've learned that swimming is not so difficult after all if I can keep from freaking out and fighting my body's natural tendency to float.
As anything in life, swimming is about using what God has given me and putting it to use while trying my best to overcome the inner voices that tell me I can't do it.
Stepping out of my comfort zone can be scary and even physically painful, but it can also lead to greater confidence in God's protection and trust in the many possibilities he places in front of me.
Who knew jumping into a pool could be such an effective spiritual exercise?
